Secret Vices #1: Street Wars

The first in an occasional series of things I like but really shouldn't. Street Wars is on Sky 3 (and cousin of Road Wars) and it uses CCTV footage from town and city centres to show drunken louts of both sexes fighting each other. Some assaults are quite horrific (kicking someone when they're on the ground etc) and some just look like fools who can't hold their beer and let their drunken bravado get the better of them whilst a Sean Bean soundalike in his rough Sheffield tones precises the violence by saying "I bet they'll regret that in the morning, muppets" and such like.

Coupled with this CCTV footage is some fly on the wall, as it happens footage from a town, usually Guildford, where the presence of the camera crew only seems to make the situation worse. My favourite scene was of a homeless bloke spraying graffiti on various phone boxes etc fully in the knowledge that CCTV was watching him. A police van turns up with the camera crew only to find that his aerosol was hairspray.

Wasting Time

You would have thought I'd have wasted enough of my life on Brain Game (and Brain Game 2: Stress Management!) but I've found yet another game to waste time by. It's on my phone (and also available on the DS lite). It's called Zoo Keeper and the premise is quite simple like all the best games.

"Your objective is to erase the animal symbols that fill up the screen by aligning them three or more in a row or column, while trying for a high score by erasing them in a combo. The Level ends when each different animal symbol has been erased. Symbols are aligned by swapping one tile with one next to it. If this makes a line of three or more matching tiles with either of the swapped tiles, the tiles stay in this position and the line disappears. If no line of three or more matching tiles is formed, then the tiles swap back to their original position. Lines can be horizontal or vertical, and combinations can mean that many lines disappear at the same time."

I do have a number of ethical problems with it though! It seems you are not a very good zoo "keeper" but an excellent killer as the animals disappear as if blown up. It is a Japanese game and will all know that some of their attitudes to animals are questionable (especially whales!). The second issue is in relation to industrial relations - when you lose you are berated by your boss thrusting a phallic like cigar at you and yelling abuse such as "I'll get the cleaning lady to do your job"" or "You are definately fired!". I'd certainly join a union and complain if I was talked to like that!

See for yourself and play online here (it is in Japanese though!)

Even the wealthy feel poor

Grrrr there are sometimes when you read the newspaper you just want to throw something, anything, at the wall. It's not a frequent occurance with me but this article in the Indy got my blood boiling!

"Just what does it take to feel comfortably off in the Britain of 2008? An annual pay packet of at least £150,000, a second (or third) home and children at an expensive public school were among the lifestyle features deemed essential by the "working wealthy" in new research.
Nearly one in 10 British households are now classed as being well off, with the average working wealthy family earning £88,000 a year – nearly triple the average income across all households of £33,000, according to the insurance firm Hiscox.
The working wealthy take two foreign holidays a year, have more than £20,000 of annual disposable income and homes worth at least £390,000.
But despite this, 90 per cent of them do not feel wealthy. Instead, they say they would need to earn upwards of £150,000 a year, own more than one property and send their children to a private school before they felt rich.
The typical wealthy individual lives in the South-east and is a professional with an income of between £50,000 and £250,000. They say they are "no longer ordinary, but not yet extraordinary"."

Try living like the vast majority and then still have the gall to whinge.

Two Types of Music I Dislike - Country and Western!

As you can tell from the title I'm not a great fan of Country and Western - I can just about put up with Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash and that's about it. But perusing the Observer's Guide to Rock and Pop I found the following three gems that made me chuckle (please bear in mind I haven't actually listened to these records!).

‘Are You Drinkin’ With Me, Jesus?’ - Mojo Nixon

Should we take a cab home, Jesus? Aw man, we can hoof it from here… / I know you can walk on the water, but can you walk on this much beer?

Drop Kick Me, Jesus (Through the Goal Posts of Life) – Paul Charles Craft

Make me a piece of your master game plan / Free from the earthly temptations below / I’ve got the will, Lord, if you’ve got the toe

I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling – Thom Sharpe

Those are my options / It’s that or watch TV

Tattoos and tings

I've got two tattoos and I had both done after I'd been in love and realised that I was no longer in love (or whether I'd actually been in love at all). The first, a shimmering sun on my left shoulder, that I'm not too impressed with, was a spur of the moment thing whilst I was waiting for a mate to have his ex-fiance's name covered up and the second is the Plastikman logo on my right shoulder that I adore. Well I've been in and out of love for a third time so it's time for another tattoo - what it will be has still to be decided. Any suggestions? Nothing celtic-y though!

One thing I have learned about tattoos is that you need to go to a good tattooist. My ex had a celtic-y shoulder stamp (and bit like arse antlers and tramp stamps but further up the back). Having been given the cold shoulder so often after her shit fits I had ample time to study her tattoo and never had the courage to tell her that it wasn't symmetrical and looking like it had been tattooed by a prison inmate or a drunk.

On the same subject the best question I've been asked by a bouncer (at Sin, no less) was "Have you got any visible tattoos?"

Winding Up Hacks

Liverpool again showed it's distain for journalists at the City of Culture opening ceremony last week (something we should all follow!)

"As the audience took their seats, workers in hard hats and reflective jackets were still on stage banging and brushing. A tacky illuminated sign suspended above them gleamed Liverpool 08. The L started flashing, stopped and, with five other letters, went dim, leaving only "poo" alight.

A workman climbed up and attempted to tightrope, then crawl along the sign. Oh God, this is terrible, thought the hack in row AA. He's going to break his neck! Another capital of culture cock-up! A flash, a bang and the workman tumbled, his fall broken by a well-concealed safety harness. Much relief: it's a joke, a self-parodying merry prank. The hack felt stupid."

Story

The Aura of Love

The one major thing I have noticed since being single is they way I seem to be immediately discarded when I catch the eye of a girl; in the library, on the street or in a shop. When I was in my last relationship and walking around alone I would receive nice smiles, smiling eyes and interested looks and it's got me thinking as to whether there is some kind of "Love Aura" that women can spot (because, I can tell you, I am lot happier now than I was then and I don't have a rizla stuck to my forehead saying "single").

More Worcester Library - Likes/Dislikes

I'm having a bit of a Blog Block today so I've taken the easy route out and come up with some more likes/dislikes about Worcester Library

DISLIKE: People playing solitaire. You have the whole of the wonderous world wide web out there. Use it!

DISLIKE: The god-botherer (I've seen the sites they look at!) who will not touch the mouse or keyboard unless there is a tissue between it and their finger. Go the full hog and get some surgical gloves!

DISLIKE: Not being able to download zip files (whereas I can download rar files to my hearts content!).

Mmmm likes?

LIKES: Watching the aftermath of a chav getting arrested in the library. This week a bloke got arrested for allegedly assaulting a security guard in the Crowngate. I didn't see the bloke getting carted off but listening to a conversation between a copper and one of the bloke's mates;

Bloke's mate: "But he didn't do anything. The security guard bumped into him"
Copper: "So why don't you come forward as a witness, give us a statement and stand up in court and tell the court that"
Bloke's mate: (mumbles something unintelligable)
Copper: "It's all about choices. Life's like that."

Musicians Gone Bad

I bought the last New Order album "Waiting for the Siren's Call" at the weekend for a pound. What a crock of rubbish it was. I've been a New Order fan since before I was a teenager (my cousin was a huge Joy Division fan who got me into them and Joy Division) and the first ever 12" I bought was Blue Monday (it was a toss up between that and Genesis' Mama - I think I made the right choice!) and I've got every album and nearly every 12" (their period between Blue Monday in 1983 and Neworderengland in 1990 was unsurpassed in brilliance in my view). Being so disappointed with their last album (and Get Ready the one before) led me to think of other artists who have created brilliance and then lost it;

David Bowie - From the soul/funk of Young Americans (best track is the butt-wriggling Fascination), through Station to Station, the Berlin Trilogy (Low, Heroes and Lodger), Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps) and the searing combination of Nile Rodgers and Stevie Ray Vaughan on Let's Dance, Bowie could do no wrong and in so many different musical styles. Then he lost it. Completely. Tonight, Never Let Me Down and the Tin Machine albums where aberrations on a glittering career. He knew that to get the best out of his own talent he needed like minded collaborators and through the 70's and early 80's he had Mick Ronson, Iggy Pop, Tony Visconti, Brian Eno, Carlos Alomar etc. Then the quality of collaborators fell dramatically (or people working willing to work with him) which might account for the downward trend his careers gone in.

Stevie Wonder - After arguing with Motown over creative control in early 70's Stevie went of and recorded two albums independently, Music of My Mind and Talking Book that were so good that Berry Gordy had to eat humble pie and agreed to release them. These soul classics were followed by other equally brilliant soul/funk classics; Innervisions, Fulfillingness' First Finale, Songs in the Key of Life and Journey Through the Secret Life of Plants. And then Hotter than July was released with Happy Birthday on it and it was down hill from there on. Shame.

Prince - After a couple of warm up albums Prince hit his stride and virtually every album from Dirty Mind in 1980 to the Batman soundtrack in 1989 (that's 9 albums in 9 years!) was worth listening and dancing to with some stonewall classics amongst them (1999, Around the World in a Day, Sign O' The Times and Lovesexy). Then dross for the last 18 years. Where did all his talent go? He couldn't have just lost it overnight, but that seems the case. Last seen giving his album away on the front of the Mail on Sunday - which shows the depths he's plummeted to.

Anyone else I've missed out?

“How To Do Just About Anything”

There’s always something nice about receiving a belated Christmas present especially when they are as interesting as the Collins “How To Do Just About Anything” book that I was given last night by film night buddy Rich (thank you Rich!). This fascinating book gives the reader 1001 tips on how to do anything from pressing flowers; to breaking up a fight between cats and dogs (for dogs grab them by the hind legs and pull them away as if they were a wheelbarrow) and to boil pasta correctly (one for my ex there who made pasta by doing the exact opposite of the instructions on the packet; then again obstinacy and pigheadedness where her specialist skills).

Interestingly the book is tied to the ehow website. Started in 1999 it managed to survive the dotcom boom and bust and looks a great site. I might even submit some "How to's" (and get paid!).

My skill levels on everything must surely rise! As I read more I’ll treat you to some more gems.

Hypnogogic Tunes

I love going to sleep listening to tunes. I don't know whether I gain anything extra from the music during the hypnogogic state but it sure sends me to sleep like a baby.

So I've been keeping a list. I might even update it weekly.

8.1 Untrue - Burial
9.1 Solo Piano - Phillip Glass
10.1 Steve McQueen - Prefab Sprout
11.1 Entroducing - DJ Shadow
12.1 Sketches of Spain - Miles Davis
13.1 Pole 2 - Pole
14.1 Adventures Beyond the Ultraworld - The Orb

Oblique Strategies

I heard of Oblique Strategies some time ago as I'm a Brian Eno freak (he created it with artist Peter Schmidt). They are a deck of cards with suggestions of what to do to undo that creative blank, move on from moments of pressure or if you just want to do something different. My great plan, having created a composite spreadsheet of the 4 editions, is to have a little Java program on my phone that I can consult - all I need to do if find a competent Java programmer to do the dirty work for me!

Brain Games

I got one of the brain testing games for my phone (like the ones that are so popular for the DS Lite) and it did two things; gave me a stinking headache and highlighted how little logic I have. I wasn’t too bad at Visual, Memory and Math (and, developers, it’s MathS by the way!). This opens a whole new can of worms – I’m going to have to go back through so many decisions and reappraise them in this new light!

Worcester Library - Likes/Dislikes

I seem to spend an inordinately large part of my day in Worcester Library with it having free internet access so that I can write this blog, Facebook, flog my record collection and, of course, look for work.

LIKE: Sitting outside smoking a fag and guessing who walking by has been in the County Court next door – it’s a great game; Solicitor? Witness? Defendant on bail? Jury member? Judge?

DISLIKE: The computers on the right as you walk in. Full of swearing feral kids – there’s two who can’t be much older than 9 or 10 who are constantly cadging for fags and who seem to be banned on a daily basis. And Chavs – if you want to see what sportswear or baseball caps are in with the Warndon posse this is the place to go. My favourite overheard conversation (I might have my headphones but I’m not always listening to music! )

Girl: “Have you seen the scan?”
Boy: “That ain’t a baby. Babies don’t exist until they’re born.”
Girl: “I wonder whether they’ll let me keep it when I’m in prison.”
Boy: “I’m off. See you later”.

LIKE/DISLIKE: I’ve got nothing against the Poles but do ALL pretty Polish girls have to have Polish boyfriends? Favourite Pole story comes from X (name changed, obviously) who was chatting to one in a bar;

Polish Bloke: “I love this country! I love this country!”
X: “Why?”
Polish Bloke: “I buy car for £400. It gets stolen. Insurance company gives me £500. I love this country! I love this country!”

I was also approached by a Pole (although he could have been from another Eastern European country) outside "You have fire?", he asked. It took my a couple of seconds to register the rollie in his mouth and realise he wanted a light.

DISLIKE: Being squashed. Getting the right computer terminal is important. There are some that give you ample arm width and enough space to lay your notepads out and there’s some where you seem on top of your neighbours. X (name changed - it could be the same person as the previous X, or it could not!) was complaining about this overcrowding which surprised me somewhat as they have mastered the technique of looking like they are working at their computer whilst surreptiously reading the email being composed by the person next to them.

LIKE: Meeting old friends. Especially X (name hasn’t been changed as I can’t remember his name anyway) – due in court this month after being arrested at an animal rights demo ages ago. I often lend an open ear to him. Hope he gets off.

DISLIKE: The partially sighted bloke who doesn’t plug his headphones in properly so I have to listen to a Speak and Spell description of every website he’s visiting.

LIKE: The smackhead constantly falling asleep at his computer. He makes me laugh purely because it reminds me that my life could get worse.

DISLIKE: The IT muppets at County Hall. Surely they can keep the bloody system working for a whole week? No? Thought not.

REALLY DISLIKE: The hoodie with a swastika tattooed on his hand sitting next to me. He really scares me.

A short poem

Sagacious

An unknown word to me
when you used it in a text.
I hurried to a dictionary.
My ignorance highlighted!
My love ignited!
Now no longer in my vocabulary

My first poem for over a decade (and that was an ode to Jon Purdie scorer of Kidderminster Harrier's 25-yard screamer/winner against Birmingham City in the FA Cup 3rd Round in 1994! My creative writing lecturer didn't like it - I had the last laugh though, he asked us to bring in an example of poor writing so I took his novel in!).

Lowest Common Denominator Culture

In my blog of the 7th Jan I suggested that it is a valid question to ask whether, as a population, we are dumbing down and if so, who benefits from this.

As to who benefits - I'm still working on that one! But it has led me to thinking about other areas of dumbing down and lowest common denominator culture. For me the most stark change has been in the area of television documentaries. I remember that the only book I would pick up and read in my Grandparent's spare room was Jacob Bronowski's book-of-the-TV-series "The Ascent of Man" (mainly because of the many pictures - I was quite young!). I did not see the actual series until after the 40th anniversary celebration for BBC2 where I saw a small segment that nearly moved me to tears (and caused me to go out and immediately buy the DVD); Bronowski was at Auschwitz where many members of his family died and gave the most impassioned speech;

"When people believe that they have absolute knowledge, with no test in reality, this is how they behave. This is what men do when they aspire to the knowledge of gods........ Science is a tribute to what we can know although we are fallible. In the end the words were said by Oliver Cromwell: 'I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken.'....We have to cure ourselves of the itch for absolute knowledge and power. We have to close the distance between the push-button order and the human act. We have to touch people"

Words that are forever etched on my brain.

Bronowski challenged the viewer (so much so that I still don't understand his programme on Einstein!) as did Kenneth Clarke with Civilisation.

Now compare these two giants to what is offered today. We have Alan Titchmarsh in a very well made but pointless British Isles - A Natural History - a gardener cum romantic novelist reading from a script that assumes that you are an eight year old child and which he hardly understands himself. Or even worse Simon Schama's Power of Art. How someone thought it would be a good idea to dramatically recreate (with all the assumptions that come with such a recreation) famous paintings is beyond me - obviously they'd all been on the Bolivian marching powder.

(** rant on) Note to TV Producers: Get out of the bog and stop snorting that gak. Stop racing for ratings. And stop thinking we're all bloody EIGHT YEAR OLDS. (** rant off)

Dumbing Down?

A great article in last week's Indy - These temples of learning transformed Britain by Philip Hensher about the importance of libraries to our culture. I couldn't agree more as I'm sitting in a library now using their free internet access to write this (the Council put up proposals to charge for this facility - thankfully they saw sense and backed down).


Hensher cites Jonathan Rose's The Intellectual Life of the British Working Classes which I have requested from the library (see how useful they are?) which highlights the types of books being lent over a 100 years ago; Welsh miners reading Nietzsche and women from London's East End reading Balzac. For the record my library (the largest in the County) has one Balzac and no Nietzsche. As to the availability of other classics - they are few and far between. You can't even get any Rimbaud or Verlaine from any library in the County! Hensher's critique that libraries are moving away from books to other areas is accurate and is a dangerous move - the library I use daily, an old Victorian pile built during the great age of philanthrophy, is to be closed in the next few years and merged with a brand new University library - no doubt there will be a coffee shop etc.


With the likes of brainless TV such as X Factor, Stricly Come Dancing, Pop Idol etc and the popularity of tabloids (and I include the Daily Mail and Daily Express in that) and falling sales of the broadsheets it is a valid question to ask whether, as a population, we are dumbing down and if so, who benefits from this. I'll go away and have a think.

Ill Considered Resolutions

I made an ill considered resolution before Christmas to re-read all the Douglas Coupland's books before I would read his new one, The Gum Thief, that I'd requested from my mother as a Christmas present. I've done Generation X, Shampoo Planet and Life After God and last night managed three quarters of Microserfs. I'm not looking forward to Girlfriend In A Coma as it's the only book ever to make me cry (and for the record the Elephant Man is the only film - I watched it once with an old housemate, Sarah, about 15 years ago and we had a pack of tissues handy as we blubbed our way through it!).

At least asking for Christmas presents has got so much easier (and more importantly now get presents I really want!). Usually it's just the url for the item at Amazon emailed to my mother - this year it was even easier as I was at her home so I just added it to her shopping basket (where I could also see what other family members were getting!)